Dead Ramble.

When the support stops, when everyone goes away, so will I. 

I will not function alone, for I am not a person.

I can not function the way one person would.

I need things other’s would not think of.

I want things other’s have.

I have nothing.

You don’t have a single genuine emotion, you constantly feel the need to fill in the voids of your life (everywhere) with human interaction. Whether it be attention, sex, violence, anything of pure face value. When you talk to someone, you tell them things they want to hear. When you study them, you find out the right words to say to them. Not the right words that you genuinely feel. You used to be emotional, you used to have at least a small amount of depth. You could look in the mirror and not cringe. You do everything you do now because you think it’s what needs to be done, not what you want to do, because you don’t know what you want. The days when you’d try to feel, you just pushed everything away because you let everyone see who your unrestrained self was. When they saw it, they were uninterested. The one’s who stayed around only did it out of fear that you would kill yourself. You tried to change, but everything else was holding you back. The winds were too strong for you to try and move forward, so you’re held back. You’re stuck, and you have no idea how to change it. You’re a shell of a human with the inside of a sponge. Everything you do is for everyone else, and not a single person will gain from it.

I wish I could be writing about the ones that you do.

I wish I could of met them all in the way that you have.

We’ve all had our chances,

And I’ve

Ruined 

Them

All.

In most ways of the word, I am alone. I feel alone, I sometimes feel nothing, no matter what I’m surrounded by or what I’m inside of. I do things that I feel others perceive as normal so I don’t have to look disturbed or uncomfortable. The people who are around me only make me feel unstable, and ensuring in knowing that I will never find a person to truly coincide with. You could be standing next to me on a subway train, wearing the same type of clothes and have the same type of music playing in your headphones. We could make eye contact constantly and acknowledge one another, and it’s only because I’m wondering if you don’t care about anything either. 

Me and you, me and you.

Had a dream about us, I had a few day dreams. You slept with this one though. You think of me when you sleep. I think about only so much throughout my day, but I do think of you. I go to sleep because I need an escape. I usually find myself in bed all day because I can’t find an escape. I usually drive myself insane because I can’t find an escape. I’ll drink bleach to find it. You probably won’t ever wake up with it and bring it to me, so I’ll just drink bleach to find it. 

I can keep telling people what they want to hear for only so long before I don’t care. I can keep telling you what you want me to say before I grow exhausted. I feel uncomfortable and I want to stay, I’ve took way too many risks on you to think you’ll ever change. I’ve done enough to myself to put me where I am, the least thing I need is for someone else to make it worse. This is something you don’t want to hear, thank you but no thank you. 

There’s something frightening about early mornings. Especially early winter mornings. When the functioning members of society arise and begin their days of depleting themselves of sunlight. I can hear them wake up, I can hear them sigh. I can see them pacing slowly with regret as the stale white light, and frigid air happens to wake them up. I feel too uncomfortable being there, I need to sleep the day away.

Pressed eyes into the backs of minds. It’s all this stress that will leave me blind. All this air is weighing me down, my lungs are hundreds of pounds. I can feel every little bit of my surroundings, and I think I’m swimming above water. I think I’m breathing but I think I’m drowning. Enlightened words at half a mile an hour, I can barely hear out your voice. I can feel your breath, it’s just pushing me away from you with every word you muster. I drift and I drift alone, all everyone is doing is pushing me in different directions.

Oh I think of you often, I look at your picture then I put it away. If I could believe you, then I’d never put it down. With enough thinking, my mind”s sure to wander elsewhere. I’d like to see you, but I’d also like to believe you. I feel that I still can’t. I’d like to believe you. It just doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to. 

I wish I could convince everyone I love to kill themselves. I wouldn’t feel so bad then. I don’t want them to miss me, but I don’t want to miss them. I wish we could all just get together and get it over with. I wish they’d understand that this life is just not enough and I’ve grown weary of it. Take me and put my face in the corner while everyone gets it over with. I’ll let go, do it myself, and no now one has to worry about it. Maybe sometime next Christmas. Maybe I can convince everyone to come over. Then things wouldn’t have to be so bad. 

I’ve come to terms with learning dependencies and that chip off your heart. You break everything you own because you’re never content with something. You will be your own problem, you will be your own best friend. You will never listen to anyone, you will try to listen to yourself. You will end up confused. With that, you end up with yourself, only you.

I am back in Massachusetts, this will mean I will be writing relentlessly. Thanks winter depression.

I don’t know what it is anymore.
When one could ask me how I feel,
I would simply just not reply.
This is a standstill, a low in my life. 
Never before, I pray never again.
Is it me, or is it everyone else?
Am I better here, or nowhere at all?
These questions fill my mind every day.
Now when I go to sleep, I don’t feel the need to awake.
Though I do, for some reason or another.
It makes less and less sense by the day.

What happens when the chains are broken and you’re in a corner?
You will lie down and you will accept your fate.
What happens when you torture, because you cannot feel?
You will lie down and you will accept your fate.
What happens when you pry your fingers into every crevasse,
Blow wind in the eyes of,
Scream in the ear of,
Destroy the being of,
You will wake up and change your ways.